


Old Light

by PrioritiesSorted



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Marauders, Marauders era, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-12
Updated: 2012-07-12
Packaged: 2017-11-09 19:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/457787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrioritiesSorted/pseuds/PrioritiesSorted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He could never maintain his own walls when Sirius laid himself so bare, and yet Remus didn't know how to let them go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Old Light

**Author's Note:**

> "The stars came falling on our heads, but they're just old light"
> 
> A two-shot inspired by the song "Samson" by Regina Spektor. Comments welcome.

The party was stifling. Everything was too loud, too hot, to close for Remus. Sirius might thrive on that kind of attention – the girls were even more affectionate under the influence, after all – but it just made Remus claustrophobic. Outside, with the cool night air rustling the leaves around him, Remus could breathe, unwind, just let himself think.

He jumped when Sirius stepped on a twig behind him,

"Not enjoying the party?" Remus asked, turning to face his friend.

"I'm not in the mood tonight," was the sullen reply, and Remus laughed.

"Since when has the great Sirius Black not been in the mood for an enormous, post-Quidditch-booze-up?" he asked, but Sirius only shrugged, leaning against a tall elm that stood at the edge of the Forest. His pale skin almost glowed in the moonlight and his thin frame looked ethereal, cloaked in the shadow of the trees.

"Since now, all right, Remus? I'm bored of it all. Merlin, I've been bored of it all year I just-"

Remus watched while Sirius struggled with the words. It wasn't something he saw often: Sirius lost for words. Remus studied the little creases in his forehead and the way he opened and shut his eyes slowly, trying to process the emotions that he couldn't express. Remus knew better than to interrupt Sirius when he was grappling with such things, so he simply watched as Sirius stuttered,

"Ever since I moved- left- whatever- I just feel so old. I know I should- I should feel great, free and liberated and I do, but there's something else. I can't put my finger on it but it's like now- now I've accepted I can't live with them, and I'm not going to inherit their money even if I wanted to, it's like everything's been thrown into this... this focus and I can't stand it. When you can see the world for all its screaming injustice and the complete ugliness of the whole thing- parties in the Common Room just don't seem so attractive anymore." He finished eventually, kicking at the roots of the tree.

Remus was stunned. Whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't that. All he could do was stare at Sirius until he let out a mirthless laugh.

"My my, Sirius. I never thought you'd be one for existential angst."

"Thanks for the support, Moony." Sirius said, sarcasm dripping from every word.

"What do you expect me to say, Sirius? 'Congratulations, you've worked it out!' Merlin! I'd always thought the injustice, the 'ugliness' of the world was quite clear but apparently-"

"Don't start, Remus." Sirius interrupted, "I know, all right? I know you're so much worse off than me, that you've probably known this all your bloody life but the least you can do is show a little pity, like we did for you."

That hurt. Once again, Sirius had to break through the comfort and the silence. He had to make things awkward, because that was what he was best at.

"A little pity?" Remus spat, the careful, calm, control that he tried so hard to maintain was starting to slip, and it was all Sirius's fault. It usually was. "Is that what our friendship is? If I'd known that I wouldn't have bothered letting you go to all that trouble."

"Remus you know that's not what I meant." Sirius whispered, and Remus felt the control slip further from his grasp. He wondered briefly how it was that Sirius could do that, could make him crumble with a single word, or a look, but he already knew the answer. He could never maintain his own walls when Sirius laid himself so bare, and yet Remus didn't know how to let them go. In a world where there was nowhere to hide, his own mind was a safe haven, where no-one could touch him. No-one but Sirius. Sirius was part of the reason the walls were up, and Remus knew he should leave it, go back to the castle, but he made no protest as Sirius took his hand and led him further into the forest.

They emerged in a small clearing, bathed in the light of the crescent moon, which could never fail to be familiar. This was the place Sirius had found him after The Snape Incident, the place where Sirius had apologised for the first time in his life and both had cried and sworn never to speak of it again. This was their place, where it was quiet and no-one could intrude. This was the place where Remus had to try most hard to keep control, because the place was Sirius.

He knew he was supposed to say something now, Sirius was looking at him expectantly. Exactly what it was that Sirius expected of him, Remus couldn't say, so Sirius said it for him,

"There's something wrong, Moony. Don't try to deny it. Something's been wrong for a while and you are going to tell me what it is."

It wasn't a request, it was an order. Unfortunately, it was the one order he absolutely did not want to follow, so he followed it as carefully as he could.

"I've always thought," Remus began, determined to tell nothing more than the truth, "that the world itself is not ugly, not unjust. It's people who make it that way, and as long as one has friends – real friends, I mean – then it wouldn't matter. But I think I was wrong. I think the better one's friends the more one can continue to fool themselves. That's what I've been doing for the past six years, but one day I'm going to have to let it go."

It was only after long seconds had passed that Remus became aware that Sirius was staring at him. The expression in his dark eyes was unreadable – another rare occurrence – but slowly, the left hand side of his mouth began to curl upward. It wasn't a smile, it wasn't even half a smile, but it was trying so hard.

"I never knew you were so cynical, Moony," he said, and this time it was Remus's turn to shrug.

"It comes with the territory," he muttered, but Sirius shook his head.

"Merlin's sake, Moony, would you just listen to yourself?" he exclaimed, "You know you're talking bollocks. You could very well argue that hating Muggleborns comes with the territory of being a Black, or that being vicious and bloodthirsty comes with the territory of being a werewolf but we know that isn't bloody true. You just wish you could be cynical, because it hurts less."

"Remind me how many minutes ago it was that you were complaining about feeling old." Remus commented, and Sirius smiled for a second, even if it didn't reach his eyes.

"Turns out I'm a spring chicken compared with you."

"Are you?"

"Yes." Sirius stated, grabbing Remus's arm and pulling him down to the forest floor so they were lying side by side. "Now I'm going to fix it. Look at the sky, Moony, and just try to tell me something cynical about stars."

Remus couldn't help but roll his eyes. He supposed he envied the way Sirius thought that everything could be fixed, and he wished that what he said was true, but there was nothing to be done on that score.

"They're just old light," he sighed finally.

"Oh?" Sirius prompted, turning to look at the boy beside him. Remus didn't, couldn't, look back but instead continued to study the sky as he replied,

"They're so far away that the light takes years and years to reach us. So many of those little pins of light, they're dead but we can still see then shining. One day, maybe, we'll see the explosion but it's still millennia since it really occurred."

Sirius was silent for a second before he muttered,

"Sort of like you, then."

"What?" Remus asked, turning finally to face Sirius, only to find that he was the one now being studiously avoided.

"All the things you've admitted tonight," Sirius said quietly, his voice betraying the emotion he felt even if he tried to keep it from his words, "they haven't just occurred to you now. You always have to hold everything in, don't you? I mean, eventually it all comes out but it's so long after the initial emotion that there's nothing we can do. But thing is, I want to. Give me something to do, please. Something to help."

Remus didn't know what to say. It was like he'd been punched in the stomach. He wanted to tell Sirius everything, to just curl up in his arms and cry, but if he started that he would never stop. That, and Sirius would never speak to him again.

"Say something, Moony, for fuck's sake!" Sirius cried finally, sitting up, "You know, we are meant to be your best friends, me and James and Pete but how do you expect us to help you when you've built a bloody fortress around yourself?"

That was it. The moment when the control was wrenched away and Remus was propelled to his feet. No-one spoke against the walls, not even Sirius Black.

"Did you never think that maybe people build walls for a reason, Sirius? Did you never think that maybe you aren't entitled to just go around trying to batter them down?"

"Why the fuck not?" Sirius shouted, rising to his feet to look Remus directly in the eye. This was dangerous; Sirius's eyes were so black that they seemed to pull Remus in and he had to look away but he couldn't. Then the words were tumbling from his mouth before he could grasp them, process them,

"Because I need you. If I let you in you'd never come back and I can't let that happen. Please, Sirius. You'd never look at me again once you'd seen- once you knew I-"

He was cut off by Sirius's lips on his. Before he knew it, Remus's back was against a tree and the chill of the night air dissipated around him. There was nothing controlled about this; it was all teeth and breath and hands grasping at whatever they could find to draw the other closer. Their breath was coming in ragged gasps as Sirius's cool hand brushed against Remus's stomach. His walls were crumbling around him and for just a second Remus really didn't care. Then he heard it, ringing in his ears, the dreaded word: pity. He whimpered beneath Sirius's lips,

"No. No."

He could feel the doubt and the hurt bubbling up inside him as he fought against Sirius, trying to push him away and draw him closer at the same time. It was with a final burst of energy that Remus pushed Sirius off him. He knew the look that Sirius was giving him; it was the one he always gave when Remus tried to distance himself. Not trusting himself to meet his best friend's eye he looked at the forest floor,

"This isn't what you want," he whispered into the ground.

Then he was running, running so fast that his chest burned and the breath was pummelled from his body. His face was so hot he didn't feel the tears running down his face, nor notice as they dropped to the ground in his wake. The droplets glinted in the stars' old light, but Remus did not see them. Instead, he was picking up the pieces of his walls, building them back up with shaking hands.


	2. Bring The Columns Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius stood dumbfounded in the centre of the clearing. His mind was reeling, unsure of whether the last few minutes had been dream or reality. His heart was still beating frantically and his lips still hot; so not a dream, then. He really had kissed Remus. He really had ruined everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We couldn't bring the columns down, we couldn't destroy a single one."

Sirius stood dumbfounded in the centre of the clearing. His mind was reeling, unsure of whether the last few minutes had been dream or reality. His heart was still beating frantically and his lips still hot; so not a dream, then. He really had kissed Remus. He really had ruined everything. For the first time in his life, Sirius had absolutely no idea how to proceed. He wanted to run after Remus, to tell him, beg him, to forget it. But still he was rooted to the spot, unable to move or cry out or even form a coherent thought.

For one shining moment it had been so wonderful. He should have known better than to think it would last, but Sirius rarely thought more than ten seconds ahead. That was what got him into this mess in the first place. Remus didn't want him; he'd been foolish to even hope.

A small voice in the back of his mind, one that was growing louder every second, protested. After all, Remus had kissed him back. Though perhaps it was simply a reflex action; after all, when someone kisses you it seems only natural to kiss them back. Sirius mentally slapped himself; Remus had said quite plainly that he didn't want Sirius. Hadn't he?

Confused, frustrated and dissatisfied, Sirius could hold himself back no longer, and he let out a feral scream as he ripped one of the thin branches from a silver birch beside him. The sound echoed through the forest, disturbing the leaves that covered the hard earth and leaving a ringing silence in its wake. Sirius looked down at the branch in his hand and drew in a few deep breaths, clearing his head and sighing. He felt better, and he knew what to do.

At least, he knew Prongs would know what to do.

As expected, James was waiting for Sirius in the Common Room, most people having gone to bed, leaving only the House Elves (cleaning away the excesses of the evening) and a single Marauder, waving his wand absently and watching the silvery tendrils it left in the air.

Sirius cleared and throat and James looked up, grinning.

"We're the bloody hell have you been then? Everyone's gone to bed. And where's Moony?"

The smile disappeared from James's face when he looked at Sirius properly. Sirius had no idea what he looked like, but he felt as though all the energy had been drained from him and he thought it probably showed.

"I don't know, James. I thought he'd have come back – oh fuck what have I done?" Sirius cried, and James sprung from the sofa to drag his best friend into one of the armchairs by the fire. Sirius looked up at James's stern face, wanting to tell him and fearing the response. He couldn't lose two best friends in one night because of his ridiculous hormones.

"Sirius."

James's voice was soft in a way that he'd only ever heard on the day after full moons, crowded around Remus's bed, waiting for him to regain consciousness. It felt odd to be treated so gently by James; usually the pair of them shied away from things like that. It had been Mrs Potter who had fussed over Sirius when he'd turned up on their doorstep in the summer; James had clapped Sirius on the back and told him he was glad he was out of there, and that he'd been bored without him. They didn't talk about it for the rest of the summer, because there was an unspoken understanding between the pair of them that no conversation ought to be forced. Sirius just wanted to forget about it, and James was more than happy to let him.

Now, something had to be different. Something in the desperate way Sirius clawed at the sides of the armchair he was sat in that made James look down at him with such an odd mixture of pity and severity.

"Sirius," he repeated, "What have you done?"

Then everything came spilling out of Sirius's mouth before he could stop it: his realisation, Remus's scorn and their conversation about stars. He faltered a little as he told James about the kiss, but to his credit, James's face betrayed no sign of disgust or outrage, only a little shock as his eyebrows twitched upwards.

"And then he said 'This isn't what you want' and ran as fast as his legs would take him. I knew I shouldn't have done it but just for a second I thought- I don't know what I thought- I didn't think that's the bloody point. Why don't I ever just think about things I've got a brain haven't I? He clearly doesn't want me, he said plain and simple…"

James cut him off before Sirius could go any further, back into full Marauder mode, for which Sirius was utterly thankful; quiet, understanding James unnerved him.

"Padfoot. Stop. Right now is not the time to wallow in your own stupidity. Stupidity is definitely the word, because you aren't even listening to yourself. You just told me that Remus said 'This isn't what you want'. Now, either I misheard, or you are completely misinterpreting everything. Think about it, if you were Remus, how would you react?"

Sirius thought for a second, trying to piece together the absolutely insane events of the past few hours to form something that made any kind of sense. All he could think of was Remus's hands in his hair, Remus's breath on his lips, Remus's choked protestation: this isn't what you want. What you want. You.

"Oh Merlin, the idiot." Sirius exclaimed finally, springing from his seat and throwing his arms around James.

"You are a genius," he told him, his mind spinning and whirling out of control in the way that made Sirius feel on top of the world. Usually, this feeling was accompanied by Remus sighing "You're going to do something stupid, aren't you?" but this time it was far from stupid, it was right.

When he came back down to earth James had the map, and was scanning it for Remus's name. Sirius snatched it from him and found the dot labelled Remus Lupin hovering near the Forest edge, just beyond the Whomping Willow. He threw the map in James's general direction and hollered his thanks as he raced from the Common Room.

Sirius's mind was whirring as he sped through the grounds, not even bothering to conceal himself; he was moving so fast that anyone who encountered him would see nothing more than a blur as he passed. He was on fire. He was electric (whatever that was). He was ecstatic.

The chill of the night air sent shivers down Sirius's spine, though his insides were hot and jumbled from the running and the nerves and the thrill of the chase. He spotted Remus as soon as he stepped past the Whomping Willow, pacing in the shadow of the trees at the Forest edge. He looked up when he heard the footsteps, and just for a second Sirius forgot everything he'd been about to say. The angry, confused, passionate spark that had been in his eyes before – the one that made Sirius kiss him – had disappeared. The shields were back up, and this was going to be harder than Sirius had expected,

"I… Moony… Remus… just don't say anything for a second. What happened earlier, I just wanted you to know that you were wrong. About it not being what I wanted, I mean. Not about anything else. Probably the only thing you've ever been wrong about in your life, if I'm honest," he blurted out, wishing he had a better mastery of the things he said. He was sure he was getting this wrong. The absolutely blank look on Remus's face told him he was probably right.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sirius had known he would ruin this somehow. More than he already had done, that is. Despite being known for smooth talking his way out of a myriad of impossible situations, when confronted with genuine, life-changing emotion Sirius could not grasp those words that would have made everything better, made Moony kiss him again and not run away. Now, babbling like an idiot, Sirius would have given everything he had to say the right thing just once.

Remus was still looking at him, and Sirius clutched frantically at the words that would explain,

"I'm just trying to- Remus I want you. That's it. That's all. I didn't kiss you out of pity or some other insane reason that you and your paranoid mind have dreamt up. And don't you dare say you don't feel that same, because you might be the best liar I know but not even you can lie your way out of this."

The blank face that stared back at him filled Sirius with an inexplicable rage. Hogwarts was the place where he got everything he wanted, and Remus was going to deny him that. Never in his life had Sirius felt more confused and more desperate for something, but Remus remained as distant as ever as he watched Sirius drowning.

Somehow, he didn't think ramming him against a tree again would help, though it was definitely more than tempting. Instead, he held his breath and waited for Remus to respond. Eventually, Remus heaved a sigh and looked directly at Sirius for the first time,

"I don't doubt you, Sirius. Perhaps you do think you want me," he started, but Sirius was already too furious to allow him to continue.

"Think? Oh yes, thank you Moony, who in you infinite wisdom knows me better than I know myself! Don't you dare start fucking analysing me."

He saw Remus take another deep breath before continuing as though Sirius had not spoken, his tone becoming colder and more distant with every word he spoke,

"I'm sure that at this moment, you are convinced that you want me, but how much of it is me, and how much of it is how much it would annoy your family? Of all the people you could have picked, a poor halfblood werewolf, and a bloke to boot, seems a little too perfect in all its gaping imperfections, don't you think?"

Sirius couldn't believe his ears, and he didn't want to. He was trembling with rage, unable to open his mouth to retort, respond to the ridiculous accusations that Remus was throwing at him. All he could do was stand dumb as Remus picked apart his feelings and scattered them on the wind like so many worthless scraps of paper. He wouldn't even look at Sirius any more, continuing his heartless destruction of all the hope that Sirius had been bursting with only minutes before,

"Even if you really do want me, who's to say you still will in a few weeks, a few days even. You can't deny the way you are with girls, just picking them up and dropping them once you get bored. How long will it be before you get bored of me? How long before the novelty wears off and suddenly we aren't friends anymore because of everything that's happened?" Remus finished finally, daring to challenge Sirius's gaze for a second before looking down at his feet once more.

"And what if it doesn't?" Sirius spat finally, "What if you underestimate me? Perhaps I haven't been able to see it much in action, but I'd like to think I'm capable of love, which is more than I can say for you now. All this protestation, it's just because you won't let your stupid fucking defences down and let someone in. Though to be honest, I'm not even sure what you see in me if I'm just some emotionally stunted attention seeking freak."

He could feel a rare flush covering his cheeks and a vindictive pleasure thrill through his veins as Remus flinched. Sirius was pleased to see that he had run out of things to say, and Sirius felt taller as Remus hunched over a little in defeat.

"What was that you were saying about us not being able to be friends anymore?" Sirius hissed, still wanting to hurt his friend even as his own heart seemed to swell and crack in a way that he didn't know it could. When he left home it had been cold and icy and cracking; when he betrayed Remus to Snape it had been black and shrivelled and cracking; this was nothing like either of those. This was entirely alien.

When Remus spoke again, his voice was trembling in a way that told Sirius how close he was to the edge. Sirius had finally got through, his poison seeping through the cracks in Remus's defences and forcing him out from behind those high walls to face Sirius like a Gryffindor.

"Sirius. Please. Don't." Remus whispered, and Sirius felt himself moving before he thought about it. He was standing before Remus, only inches away from him, desperately trying to force something more from his reluctant friend.

"Why? Tell me why, Remus, and I'll stop," he insisted, clinging to the last vestiges of hope that fluttered on the edges of his psyche.

"Because I need you, Sirius; I already told you that." Remus pleaded, the spark in his eye beginning to burn a little brighter. Sirius seized his chance and pulled Remus closer, placing one of his hands on the nape of Remus's neck and forcing him to keep looking Sirius straight in the eye.

"You need me just like I need you so why won't you act on it? Why not take a chance Moony? You want to."

"No."

"Yes."

"Please."

"Please what?"

"Don't."

In that one word, Remus condemned himself. Sirius felt a smirk tug at the corners of his mouth as he pressed it against Remus's. If there was one way of ensuring that Sirius did something, it was asking him not to. Remus shuddered as Sirius's lips came into contact with his own and for just a second, Sirius thought he felt the ghost of a response before Remus became cold and stiff in his arms. Still, it was difficult to tell whether the hands fisted in his shirt were holding him there or forcing him away. Sirius kissed his lips again and again, and though he could feel Remus shaking beneath him, the werewolf would not give in. He knew that the passion was there, bubbling beneath the surface, and yet he also knew that Remus would never let it get the better of him if he didn't want it to. With one final bruising kiss, Sirius drew away, now shaking just as hard as Remus, who stood up a little straighter, brushed down his robes and said quietly,

"I'm going back to the Common Room now. If you don't want to come with me I quite understand, but please come up at some point, or James will worry."

With that he turned to head back towards the castle and Sirius felt the fight drain from him as he watched Remus walk away. Part of him was in awe of how Remus could guard himself so carefully. His control and his composure were breath-taking, but still they frightened him. Remus was creature beyond Sirius's comprehension; perhaps that was why he wanted him, or part of it at least.

Yet somehow, in that moment, the tiny part of Sirius that wasn't breaking was hatred. Hatred for the boy who guarded his heart so carefully while he dashed Sirius's in the mud. Of all the things in the wilderness that Sirius could feel his life descending into, Remus was the constant. So sure and so calm and so dignified even in distress. Now, watching the thin figure walking slowly but determinedly towards the castle, Sirius despised the control more than anything. Nothing in the world could withstand Sirius's rage. Nothing but Remus.

Left alone in the moonlight, Sirius felt hollow, empty. He had poured out the contents of his soul at the foot of those trees and it had been calmly handed back to him with cold, composed hands. Yet as the old light shone down, the hate and rage leaked out of him into the ancient foundations of the castle that loomed above him, leaving only an ache for the love that he didn't even know he craved.


End file.
